"With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose."
- Wayne Dyer
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Some people
I've been teaching for a long time. When I was a young brown belt I had visions of training with a true Master. But those people are few and far between despite what the phone book and Internet would have you believe. If you have been to my seminars where they have introduced me as a Master you've heard me say I don't claim to be a master - I have much work left to do to deserve that. I am a master teacher, I'll buy that. But that's only one aspect.
Anyway, I understand the allure of training with a master, or saying you train with a master. I understand the "prestige", or maybe it's "street cred" today. And I understand the responsibility involved in such things, especially when one is labeled as a protege (how do you get the accent mark over the letters anyway?).
What's bugging me today is that I came across a website with the statement that the man "is a direct student of Lee Wedlake". I've had many people tell me they met so and so and he was a student of mine, or one of my black belts, or how they know me and we hang out, blah, blah, blah. And it's just not so. I even had a guy call my studio and tell my sister, who was working the desk, that we went to college together in Arizona and got our black belts at the same time. For one, the whole of my time in Arizona was in the Phoenix airport one time on a connection. Second, I took my black belt test alone. Actually, it was the second I took alone. The first was in a group and I flunked it. Where do we get such people? My sister was amazed.
This man with my name on his site took a total of about three private lessons and a few seminars. We never got past Short Form Two. I never certified him for anything. In fact, last time I spoke with him I told him we had no future in any kind of relationship because I had heard his bad-mouthing about me. Then he has the balls to call me and ask me to do a seminar. He did not deny he said the things but he still advertises my name on his site. If you e-mail me at wedlakekenposeminars@comcast.net I may tell you his name.
There's a guy in PA that has a diploma that I witnessed at his test and tells people he studied with me. I met him but I didn't train him. I guess it's easy to fall into the trap that you're in the lineage or whatever but please give credit where it's due. And don't take it when it's not. What do we do about this? Probably not much. We have people with fake Physician and Religion degrees. They get caught from time to time. And so do these people with the fake lineage. It catches up with them most of the time. I was with Frank Trejo at someones apartment in California many years ago and we noticed an IKKA black belt diploma on the wall. I said it looked fake. The man actually told us that it was and Frank said "I wish you hadn't told me that. I'm in charge of tracking these things down."
Be careful who you brag to.
Anyway, I understand the allure of training with a master, or saying you train with a master. I understand the "prestige", or maybe it's "street cred" today. And I understand the responsibility involved in such things, especially when one is labeled as a protege (how do you get the accent mark over the letters anyway?).
What's bugging me today is that I came across a website with the statement that the man "is a direct student of Lee Wedlake". I've had many people tell me they met so and so and he was a student of mine, or one of my black belts, or how they know me and we hang out, blah, blah, blah. And it's just not so. I even had a guy call my studio and tell my sister, who was working the desk, that we went to college together in Arizona and got our black belts at the same time. For one, the whole of my time in Arizona was in the Phoenix airport one time on a connection. Second, I took my black belt test alone. Actually, it was the second I took alone. The first was in a group and I flunked it. Where do we get such people? My sister was amazed.
This man with my name on his site took a total of about three private lessons and a few seminars. We never got past Short Form Two. I never certified him for anything. In fact, last time I spoke with him I told him we had no future in any kind of relationship because I had heard his bad-mouthing about me. Then he has the balls to call me and ask me to do a seminar. He did not deny he said the things but he still advertises my name on his site. If you e-mail me at wedlakekenposeminars@comcast.net I may tell you his name.
There's a guy in PA that has a diploma that I witnessed at his test and tells people he studied with me. I met him but I didn't train him. I guess it's easy to fall into the trap that you're in the lineage or whatever but please give credit where it's due. And don't take it when it's not. What do we do about this? Probably not much. We have people with fake Physician and Religion degrees. They get caught from time to time. And so do these people with the fake lineage. It catches up with them most of the time. I was with Frank Trejo at someones apartment in California many years ago and we noticed an IKKA black belt diploma on the wall. I said it looked fake. The man actually told us that it was and Frank said "I wish you hadn't told me that. I'm in charge of tracking these things down."
Be careful who you brag to.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
The doctor is in
It seems this subject has been coming up weekly in my life. That subject is how we have become out-of-touch with ourselves due to the pressures exerted on us by technology on everyday life. This article is submitted by Dr. Rowe.
Kid contemplatives: UW neuroscientist's project aims to give middle-schoolers tools of 'mindfulness' and meditation
If gym class helps children tone the body, what helps them exercise the mind?
Homework and tests are logical answers, if proof of success is a higher GPA. But when the goal is to produce a more emotionally sturdy and thoughtful person, researchers suggest the ability to be still and contemplate is what can make a positive difference.
In 2008, local middle school students will among those who participate in a national pilot project that studies the effects of contemplation in the classroom, says Richard Davidson, a University of Wisconsin researcher/neuroscientist. (Time magazine selected him as one of the world's 100 Most Influential People of 2006.)
"Education," says colleague John Dunne of Atlanta's Emory University, "is not just about acquired knowledge but the development of virtues -- patience, kindness, learning how to be in a tough emotional situation without becoming unhinged."
Although researchers suspect the role of contemplation has value in educational settings, from kindergarten on up, it is rare for contemplative exercises to be a part of the school day.
Dunne, a former UW researcher, will return to Madison on Monday for "Contemplation and Education: Landscape of Research," a free panel discussion at the Wisconsin Union Theater. The event also features remarks by Davidson and the Rev. Thomas Keating of Colorado, founder of the centering prayer movement in Christianity.
"We're still trying to understand how these practices work" scientifically, in a grade K-12 setting, Dunne says. "It seems likely that there are things that can be done to regulate emotions effectively."
"The ground is ripe for this type of science to be conducted," says Davidson, whose work already has shown that meditation can change the way the brain works. In college students, Davidson says research at the UW and elsewhere shows that contemplative practices cause "changes in the brain that promote empathy, compassion, increased concentration."
Calmness, clarity
The upcoming work with middle schoolers will occur under the auspices of the nonprofit Mind and Life Institute, which for more than a year has studied whether and how to move contemplative practices into the classroom setting. Davidson chairs the initiative, which also involves Dunne.
Although in "an embryonic state," Davidson says the studies will focus on kindness, calmness and clarity of thinking. Participants will follow a contemplative practice that is "being designed from the ground up." Participants have not been selected, although "informal contacts with several schools" have been made.
Davidson expects the work to begin within six months. Middle school students are being targeted because early adolescence is a time of heightened vulnerability due to body and brain changes.
"If kids are going to make a wrong turn," Davidson says, "this is when it starts to occur." He is referring to substance abuse and other high-risk behaviors.
"The brain can change in response to training," he says, dismissing any notion of unwarranted mind control. "I think this is actually deprogramming" children from media influence and "returning the mind to its natural, unprogrammed state."
It's not religion
Centering prayer, meditation, breath work, chanting, sitting in silence, extended concentration on an object and focusing on positive thoughts and images are examples of contemplative exercises that can be taught.
The level of controversy associated with bringing the concept into classrooms in part depends upon the presence of religious overtones.
"In my view, it's not a religious issue," says Keating, because of the many forms that contemplation can take. "Silence is not denominational, and it can be practiced in a methodical way."
Sitting in silence for 20 minutes, twice a day, "gradually introduces us to our deeper self," but the academic world "allows no time or place to pursue this" in an organized manner. That includes seminaries, he says.
Keating soon will help Milwaukee's Marquette University introduce a centering prayer program. "The fact that they see a need for this is very encouraging," he says, describing Marquette as one of the few schools nationwide that is incorporating the practice into its curriculum.
Therapeutic value
Like Buddhist meditation, centering prayer for Christians is an age-old religious practice that has experienced a revival in contemporary times. Keating says both practices "transcend the rational mind" and are "a way to be present to psychological content of the moment."
There is similar value in "gazing at a beautiful sunset or ocean -- just enjoying" and being aware of the emotions that are aroused. The therapeutic value, Keating says, is in identifying and releasing "negative energy that had never really been processed," which becomes "like junk food if it stays stuck in our unconsciousness."
Thousands of centering prayer groups (including four in Madison) exist nationwide. The gatherings occur occur in setting from rural churches to maximum security prisons.
"Most people without a special (contemplative) practice tend to be pushed around by external events," Keating contends. In classrooms, "the younger the child, the easier it is" to teach contemplation because young participants typically aren't impeded by as much emotional baggage.
For Dunne, whose daughter is 5, teaching contemplation means spurts of "lovingkindness" meditation -- concentrating on positive thoughts. He says sustained attention on a specific object for a few minutes, once or twice daily, might be a good contemplative practice for a slightly older child.
"Mindfulness -- stepping back from your emotional state" and learning to feel it without being overwhelmed might be appropriate to introduce during adolescence, he says.
Some of these exercises, although deeply rooted in Eastern and other religions, can be effective and inoffensive in a secular setting, Dunne says. The effort is about using "mental technologies" that have religious origins, not pushing theology.
The goal of compassion, he notes as an example, is not the sole ownership of Christians or Buddhists. "It becomes a universal human value."
Kid contemplatives: UW neuroscientist's project aims to give middle-schoolers tools of 'mindfulness' and meditation
If gym class helps children tone the body, what helps them exercise the mind?
Homework and tests are logical answers, if proof of success is a higher GPA. But when the goal is to produce a more emotionally sturdy and thoughtful person, researchers suggest the ability to be still and contemplate is what can make a positive difference.
In 2008, local middle school students will among those who participate in a national pilot project that studies the effects of contemplation in the classroom, says Richard Davidson, a University of Wisconsin researcher/neuroscientist. (Time magazine selected him as one of the world's 100 Most Influential People of 2006.)
"Education," says colleague John Dunne of Atlanta's Emory University, "is not just about acquired knowledge but the development of virtues -- patience, kindness, learning how to be in a tough emotional situation without becoming unhinged."
Although researchers suspect the role of contemplation has value in educational settings, from kindergarten on up, it is rare for contemplative exercises to be a part of the school day.
Dunne, a former UW researcher, will return to Madison on Monday for "Contemplation and Education: Landscape of Research," a free panel discussion at the Wisconsin Union Theater. The event also features remarks by Davidson and the Rev. Thomas Keating of Colorado, founder of the centering prayer movement in Christianity.
"We're still trying to understand how these practices work" scientifically, in a grade K-12 setting, Dunne says. "It seems likely that there are things that can be done to regulate emotions effectively."
"The ground is ripe for this type of science to be conducted," says Davidson, whose work already has shown that meditation can change the way the brain works. In college students, Davidson says research at the UW and elsewhere shows that contemplative practices cause "changes in the brain that promote empathy, compassion, increased concentration."
Calmness, clarity
The upcoming work with middle schoolers will occur under the auspices of the nonprofit Mind and Life Institute, which for more than a year has studied whether and how to move contemplative practices into the classroom setting. Davidson chairs the initiative, which also involves Dunne.
Although in "an embryonic state," Davidson says the studies will focus on kindness, calmness and clarity of thinking. Participants will follow a contemplative practice that is "being designed from the ground up." Participants have not been selected, although "informal contacts with several schools" have been made.
Davidson expects the work to begin within six months. Middle school students are being targeted because early adolescence is a time of heightened vulnerability due to body and brain changes.
"If kids are going to make a wrong turn," Davidson says, "this is when it starts to occur." He is referring to substance abuse and other high-risk behaviors.
"The brain can change in response to training," he says, dismissing any notion of unwarranted mind control. "I think this is actually deprogramming" children from media influence and "returning the mind to its natural, unprogrammed state."
It's not religion
Centering prayer, meditation, breath work, chanting, sitting in silence, extended concentration on an object and focusing on positive thoughts and images are examples of contemplative exercises that can be taught.
The level of controversy associated with bringing the concept into classrooms in part depends upon the presence of religious overtones.
"In my view, it's not a religious issue," says Keating, because of the many forms that contemplation can take. "Silence is not denominational, and it can be practiced in a methodical way."
Sitting in silence for 20 minutes, twice a day, "gradually introduces us to our deeper self," but the academic world "allows no time or place to pursue this" in an organized manner. That includes seminaries, he says.
Keating soon will help Milwaukee's Marquette University introduce a centering prayer program. "The fact that they see a need for this is very encouraging," he says, describing Marquette as one of the few schools nationwide that is incorporating the practice into its curriculum.
Therapeutic value
Like Buddhist meditation, centering prayer for Christians is an age-old religious practice that has experienced a revival in contemporary times. Keating says both practices "transcend the rational mind" and are "a way to be present to psychological content of the moment."
There is similar value in "gazing at a beautiful sunset or ocean -- just enjoying" and being aware of the emotions that are aroused. The therapeutic value, Keating says, is in identifying and releasing "negative energy that had never really been processed," which becomes "like junk food if it stays stuck in our unconsciousness."
Thousands of centering prayer groups (including four in Madison) exist nationwide. The gatherings occur occur in setting from rural churches to maximum security prisons.
"Most people without a special (contemplative) practice tend to be pushed around by external events," Keating contends. In classrooms, "the younger the child, the easier it is" to teach contemplation because young participants typically aren't impeded by as much emotional baggage.
For Dunne, whose daughter is 5, teaching contemplation means spurts of "lovingkindness" meditation -- concentrating on positive thoughts. He says sustained attention on a specific object for a few minutes, once or twice daily, might be a good contemplative practice for a slightly older child.
"Mindfulness -- stepping back from your emotional state" and learning to feel it without being overwhelmed might be appropriate to introduce during adolescence, he says.
Some of these exercises, although deeply rooted in Eastern and other religions, can be effective and inoffensive in a secular setting, Dunne says. The effort is about using "mental technologies" that have religious origins, not pushing theology.
The goal of compassion, he notes as an example, is not the sole ownership of Christians or Buddhists. "It becomes a universal human value."
Kenpo Karate 601
While K-501 will be out around Thanksgiving, I've been working on K-601. I'm down to a few items needing completion. Ed Parker Jr is working on a cover design. I'll be shooting the photos soon, too. And my long-time friend and student Kurt Barnhart of Chicago will write the preface.
Kurt runs a small club in Burbank, a Chicago suburb, at the Japanese Cultural Center. He's been a student since I opened my school in Palos Hills, IL in 1976. His credentials include experience in Tae Kwon Do, Aikido, fifth black in Kenpo, and he's a certified yogi. Kurt took the helm once I left Chicago in 1991 and has been keeping the guys together since. I value his contribution to my next book. I ambitiously thought I could get the book out by December but with the delays on K-501, that's not going to happen. Maybe spring.
Another project I am working on is Lessons with Ed Parker and it's coming along well. This book will include his stories and my experiences with him over the decade-plus I worked with him. I'm excited about it. I'd like to hear from you about what sort of things you'd like to see in a book like this. So far, I've written it as being based on my notes from my lessons and then expanded on those notes by using examples of actual stories and applications on the mat and off. I think you're going to like this.
Kurt runs a small club in Burbank, a Chicago suburb, at the Japanese Cultural Center. He's been a student since I opened my school in Palos Hills, IL in 1976. His credentials include experience in Tae Kwon Do, Aikido, fifth black in Kenpo, and he's a certified yogi. Kurt took the helm once I left Chicago in 1991 and has been keeping the guys together since. I value his contribution to my next book. I ambitiously thought I could get the book out by December but with the delays on K-501, that's not going to happen. Maybe spring.
Another project I am working on is Lessons with Ed Parker and it's coming along well. This book will include his stories and my experiences with him over the decade-plus I worked with him. I'm excited about it. I'd like to hear from you about what sort of things you'd like to see in a book like this. So far, I've written it as being based on my notes from my lessons and then expanded on those notes by using examples of actual stories and applications on the mat and off. I think you're going to like this.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Spartanburg seminar
I was a guest of Coach Robert and his groups in the Carolinas over the weekend. He teaches in Spartanburg, SC and Columbus, NC. My student, Bruce Meyer, of Columbia, SC was there as was Keith Mathews of Canton, GA. Three states were represented and they were a great group to work with. The energy was positive and while we had a rather ambitious schedule, everyone hung in. Even the white and yellow belts stayed with the group through the sections on Short and Long Three. Great job, all!
It was my first time in that part of the Carolinas. The Blue Ridge mountains were visible from my hotel room and the leaves were changing. The air was nice and crisp, a departure from the steaming sub-tropical part of Florida I live in. Sure was nice.
The plan is to have me back in the spring and we'll have a date set soon.
Monday, November 5, 2007
Conflict resolution
This was taken from the Inner Idea online newsletter I get for fitness instructors. It's about conflict resolution and worth a few minutes of your time.
Presence: The Conflict Resolution Matrix
by Jim Gavin, PhD and Don de Guerre, PhD
We all have different styles of handling conflict. Embedded in these are our beliefs about ourselves and other people. Situational parameters also influence our responses. Scholars sort situations and people into categories by identifying key dimensions pertaining to the parties in conflict and the situations’ dynamics. The two most central dimensions relate to the importance of the outcome and the importance of the relationship. These factors vary from situation to situation and, consequently, so will your approach to conflict resolution.
Conflict Dynamics: The Basic Strategies
How invested are you in having things your way in a conflict? How important is it that the relationship remains viable? Let’s take marriage. You want your marriage to continue, and you really want to move to Seattle for that new job. Your spouse wants to stay in Poughkeepsie. That’s a tough conflict. Here’s an easier one: A perpetually truculent client wants you to buy a very expensive and, in your opinion, unnecessary piece of Pilates equipment; if you don’t, she’ll go to another studio. This is simple: You bid farewell.
Analyzing conflict using the importance of the outcome and the importance of the relationship provides insight into why people do what they do. The following four approaches to conflict resolution normally apply to variations on these two dimensions.
Detachment/Disinterest. You don’t care about the outcome or the relationship. You’re not going to lose sleep over the issue, no matter how it turns out.
An instructor is threatening to leave unless she gets a raise. She is easily replaceable, and the amount requested is miniscule. Whichever way it goes, you aren’t invested. Recognize, however, that she may have very different feelings about your relationship and the outcome—differences that could be consequential.
Accommodation/Appeasement. Keeping the relationship going is far more important to you than achieving your personal goal.
In this kind of conflict, you may accommodate the other person’s interests. You appease the person who wants your car, because he has a gun to your head. Even though your car is important to you, it is—relatively speaking—only a car.
Accommodation approaches can be habit forming. Being flexible about your personal goals is important, but putting yourself second to all others can be an ineffectual life stance.
Tough-Love Negotiation. You place equally high value on your goal and the relationship.
The move to Seattle isn’t going to happen unless your spouse comes with you willingly. You may think that tough-love negotiation is the ideal approach to conflict resolution. However, the temptation to push the eject button will be quite strong throughout the myriad challenges this process presents.
Goal-Centered Negotiation. You don’t care whether the other person likes you, whether the relationship continues or how badly the other person feels; you just want to win.
In the world of sports, we accept this approach with the proviso that certain rules are respected. It’s similar in business. You want to hire a yoga instructor being hotly pursued by the competition. You don’t care if the competition gets mad at you if she accepts your offer over theirs. Of course, ecology has something to say about this. The world is a very small place, so you can’t play cutthroat forever without the risk of “karma-uppance.”
Not the Whole Story
Now that you have some comfort with strategies related to conflict dynamics, let’s build on the basics. Three other factors influence our style of handling conflict: power, emotionality and time.
Power. We may believe that all people are created equal, but within organizations, all people do not have equal power. While power can be understood in terms of rank and role, it can also be defined by other aspects of a relationship. For example, what if someone has information critical to your success? How much power we perceive ourselves as having in relation to another person influences the strategies we choose.
It’s rare in a civilized world that one person has all the power. Employees can quit at inopportune times, spread nasty rumors and threaten legal action. We need to position people realistically, somewhere between powerless creatures and all-powerful foes.
Emotionality. Now comes a second juicy dynamic. Certain strategies are typically accompanied by more expressed emotion, and certain emotions can influence which strategies we use. We mentioned earlier that tough-love negotiation has some inherent challenges—one being the ability to express, tolerate and manage emotions. Think back to the Seattle job offer. Imagine how many lamplight discussions it might take to resolve this conflict amicably.
Even when appeasementis the approach, it’s likely someone will be pretty emotional. Having a gun to your head or an instructor saying negative things about you behind your back requires some emotional management. On the other hand, when you have an abundance of power and don’t care about the other person (goal-centered negotiation), it’s less likely that your emotions are outwardly churning.
Imagine you are emotionally detached or just going for the gold. But then a real-life human being with cuts and bruises gets inside your calculator and your heart. He tells his story, which encourages you to tell your story, which creates some openings, and—uh-oh—there you are in a more caring negotiation. Isn’t that what the whole Scrooge Christmas story is about?
Time. Completing the triad of factors influencing the matrix is that ever-present awareness of time. Back to the example of the yoga instructor you want to hire. You know she will get snapped up by the competition before you can say peanut butter, but your employees have, shall we say, diverse views. The clock is ticking. This is when you are most likely to say the following: “I’d love to hear your views, butas your director, I must go with my gut on this . . . because frankly, we just don’t have the luxury of time.”
Often, we may want to work it all through so everyone is satisfied and we reach commitment and consensus. Tough-love negotiationtakes time. You’re patient and hear the other person’s whole story. Then you respond carefully and in kind with your whole story. Conversely, consider the quickest scenario, which is that you simply don’t care. You are detached. Whatever!Decision made.
Somewhere between tough-love negotiationand detachmentis the situation in which you think you won’t need to deal with the other person tomorrow and it’s all about who wins. In this goal-centered negotiation, the process can go more swiftly; the person with the bigger this or the better that wins, although proving whose is bigger or better may take a little while.
Since life is full of conflicts, the better you can deal with them, the happier (and hopefully more successful) you will be. Your conflict management style may have less to do with logic than with your personal history and experiences. Before you engage the other person, know how much you want what is at stake and how much you are willing to “pay” for it. A discarded friend, employee, client or competitor could play a role in your future. Remember, the world is a small place. Time is money, but bad decisions are money, too. If you deem an objective important and you also value the person with whom you are in conflict, reaching a resolution will take time. That time will be well spent.
Presence: The Conflict Resolution Matrix
by Jim Gavin, PhD and Don de Guerre, PhD
We all have different styles of handling conflict. Embedded in these are our beliefs about ourselves and other people. Situational parameters also influence our responses. Scholars sort situations and people into categories by identifying key dimensions pertaining to the parties in conflict and the situations’ dynamics. The two most central dimensions relate to the importance of the outcome and the importance of the relationship. These factors vary from situation to situation and, consequently, so will your approach to conflict resolution.
Conflict Dynamics: The Basic Strategies
How invested are you in having things your way in a conflict? How important is it that the relationship remains viable? Let’s take marriage. You want your marriage to continue, and you really want to move to Seattle for that new job. Your spouse wants to stay in Poughkeepsie. That’s a tough conflict. Here’s an easier one: A perpetually truculent client wants you to buy a very expensive and, in your opinion, unnecessary piece of Pilates equipment; if you don’t, she’ll go to another studio. This is simple: You bid farewell.
Analyzing conflict using the importance of the outcome and the importance of the relationship provides insight into why people do what they do. The following four approaches to conflict resolution normally apply to variations on these two dimensions.
Detachment/Disinterest. You don’t care about the outcome or the relationship. You’re not going to lose sleep over the issue, no matter how it turns out.
An instructor is threatening to leave unless she gets a raise. She is easily replaceable, and the amount requested is miniscule. Whichever way it goes, you aren’t invested. Recognize, however, that she may have very different feelings about your relationship and the outcome—differences that could be consequential.
Accommodation/Appeasement. Keeping the relationship going is far more important to you than achieving your personal goal.
In this kind of conflict, you may accommodate the other person’s interests. You appease the person who wants your car, because he has a gun to your head. Even though your car is important to you, it is—relatively speaking—only a car.
Accommodation approaches can be habit forming. Being flexible about your personal goals is important, but putting yourself second to all others can be an ineffectual life stance.
Tough-Love Negotiation. You place equally high value on your goal and the relationship.
The move to Seattle isn’t going to happen unless your spouse comes with you willingly. You may think that tough-love negotiation is the ideal approach to conflict resolution. However, the temptation to push the eject button will be quite strong throughout the myriad challenges this process presents.
Goal-Centered Negotiation. You don’t care whether the other person likes you, whether the relationship continues or how badly the other person feels; you just want to win.
In the world of sports, we accept this approach with the proviso that certain rules are respected. It’s similar in business. You want to hire a yoga instructor being hotly pursued by the competition. You don’t care if the competition gets mad at you if she accepts your offer over theirs. Of course, ecology has something to say about this. The world is a very small place, so you can’t play cutthroat forever without the risk of “karma-uppance.”
Not the Whole Story
Now that you have some comfort with strategies related to conflict dynamics, let’s build on the basics. Three other factors influence our style of handling conflict: power, emotionality and time.
Power. We may believe that all people are created equal, but within organizations, all people do not have equal power. While power can be understood in terms of rank and role, it can also be defined by other aspects of a relationship. For example, what if someone has information critical to your success? How much power we perceive ourselves as having in relation to another person influences the strategies we choose.
It’s rare in a civilized world that one person has all the power. Employees can quit at inopportune times, spread nasty rumors and threaten legal action. We need to position people realistically, somewhere between powerless creatures and all-powerful foes.
Emotionality. Now comes a second juicy dynamic. Certain strategies are typically accompanied by more expressed emotion, and certain emotions can influence which strategies we use. We mentioned earlier that tough-love negotiation has some inherent challenges—one being the ability to express, tolerate and manage emotions. Think back to the Seattle job offer. Imagine how many lamplight discussions it might take to resolve this conflict amicably.
Even when appeasementis the approach, it’s likely someone will be pretty emotional. Having a gun to your head or an instructor saying negative things about you behind your back requires some emotional management. On the other hand, when you have an abundance of power and don’t care about the other person (goal-centered negotiation), it’s less likely that your emotions are outwardly churning.
Imagine you are emotionally detached or just going for the gold. But then a real-life human being with cuts and bruises gets inside your calculator and your heart. He tells his story, which encourages you to tell your story, which creates some openings, and—uh-oh—there you are in a more caring negotiation. Isn’t that what the whole Scrooge Christmas story is about?
Time. Completing the triad of factors influencing the matrix is that ever-present awareness of time. Back to the example of the yoga instructor you want to hire. You know she will get snapped up by the competition before you can say peanut butter, but your employees have, shall we say, diverse views. The clock is ticking. This is when you are most likely to say the following: “I’d love to hear your views, butas your director, I must go with my gut on this . . . because frankly, we just don’t have the luxury of time.”
Often, we may want to work it all through so everyone is satisfied and we reach commitment and consensus. Tough-love negotiationtakes time. You’re patient and hear the other person’s whole story. Then you respond carefully and in kind with your whole story. Conversely, consider the quickest scenario, which is that you simply don’t care. You are detached. Whatever!Decision made.
Somewhere between tough-love negotiationand detachmentis the situation in which you think you won’t need to deal with the other person tomorrow and it’s all about who wins. In this goal-centered negotiation, the process can go more swiftly; the person with the bigger this or the better that wins, although proving whose is bigger or better may take a little while.
Since life is full of conflicts, the better you can deal with them, the happier (and hopefully more successful) you will be. Your conflict management style may have less to do with logic than with your personal history and experiences. Before you engage the other person, know how much you want what is at stake and how much you are willing to “pay” for it. A discarded friend, employee, client or competitor could play a role in your future. Remember, the world is a small place. Time is money, but bad decisions are money, too. If you deem an objective important and you also value the person with whom you are in conflict, reaching a resolution will take time. That time will be well spent.
Friday, November 2, 2007
Form Four
The Form Four video is finished and I'll be sending it to the duplicator soon. People have been asking for this and I finally got to it.
What I did in this video is run the form four different ways. None are "fast" since I found that most people commented they can't follow form videos when they're done like that. I shot them from the four angles like I did in the previous form video so you can see it from the front, sides, and back views.
I show the variations and changes in the execution. I put the competition timing changes in one version, show two ways to do Thundering Hammer, and the cheater versions for people with bad knees and older students.
My last form video has gotten good reviews and it's not as costly as many. These are not instruction in that I don't teach you the form, that's for your instructor to do. But it will help you through as you're learning. Watch for it around Thanksgiving on my website at www.leewedlake.com.
What I did in this video is run the form four different ways. None are "fast" since I found that most people commented they can't follow form videos when they're done like that. I shot them from the four angles like I did in the previous form video so you can see it from the front, sides, and back views.
I show the variations and changes in the execution. I put the competition timing changes in one version, show two ways to do Thundering Hammer, and the cheater versions for people with bad knees and older students.
My last form video has gotten good reviews and it's not as costly as many. These are not instruction in that I don't teach you the form, that's for your instructor to do. But it will help you through as you're learning. Watch for it around Thanksgiving on my website at www.leewedlake.com.
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